84 Things NOT to Do in Bombay!!

Inspired by Zishaan and suggested by Ranjeet, I’ve compiled a list of 84 things Not to do in Bombay, The original target was 101 but here’s the list, I shall update more when I get my Black Label for Company.

The Listo :-

1.     Get into a Virar train if you are going to Borivali

2.     Avoid Taxis outside Dadar & Kurla stations all are chors.

3.     Eat Bhel at Kailash Parbat

4.     Call a cop ‘Pandu’

5.     Argue with a Koli Fisherwoman

6.     Get a 11 Rupee massage at Girgaum Chowpatty

7.     Call a BEST bus driver ‘Bablia’

8.     Buy enhancement medicines from Van – Travelling Hakims who are the desi versions of the flying doctors

9.     Look smart while visiting Chor Bazaar

10.  Avoid asking the Sandwich wallah on Dalal Street for market tips

11.  Stand in front of Amitabh/shahrukh/salmaan’s house — u look stupid and its waste of time

12.  Baba Bengalis are neither Baba’s or Bengalis they are all perverts and thugs

13.  Visit sleazy Video Parlours and get caught in a raid

14.  Get excited and start jumping when someone offers you Paanch ka Dollar, it’s just a tiny 5 Rupee coin

15.  Go for a Shiv Sena rally in hope for a Free Vada Pav and Shiv Sena Banian

16.  Stare at Koli Women in Gorai and Make fun of Kolis in their Kasti

17.  While commuting don’t tease people shitting near the tracks, they throw stones back at the train

18.  Hang outside the train, Poles might hit you before the crowds will.

19.  Tease a Hijra.

20.  Bribe a Porter to grab a seat in V.T, chances are he might run off with your money and even beat you.

21.  Get conned at Fountain from Guys selling cheap Mobiles, they mesmerize and wrap soap bars.

22.  Avoid pimps behinds Mondegar & Pasta Lanes.

23.  Donate money to the Crying Cab driver, he has conned thousands.

24.  Invite Brass Polishwalas into your house

25.  Sit for more than 20 mins extra at an Irani Café, the Bawa owner might shout some sister abuses.

26.  Drink Neera at 5 pm at Dadar Station

27.  Have lassi outside Dadar Station (west), they add Tissue Paper while preparing it

28.  Throw stones at monkeys in Borivali National Park

29.  Loiter around in Shivaji Park on Dec 6th.

30.  Ask for a bargain at the Maharastrian Cloth store in Dadar.

31.  Call up 26407383 Beanbags thinking it’s an escort service.

32.  Call a Maharastrian guy Bhaiya, no matter how respectful you mean.

33.  Go to Mondegar and ask for a Jain Pav Bhaji

34.  Look straight and walk, We have open Manholes, flicked by Druggies.

35.  Wear Brown Khakis shirts, People will mistake you for BMC staff.

36.  Ask for Warranty & Guarantee from the Mallu Electronic stalls in Fountain area.

37.  Search for the Kala Ghoda in Kala Ghoda.

38.  Ask why statues in Bombay have one finger pointed like Umpires.

39.  Apply Rai ka Tel on your head and travel by public transport.

40.  Go to Chor Bazaar in your Car or Bike.

41.  Wear nice footwear to SiddiVinayak or Mahalakshmi Temple

42.  Go to Haji Ali during high tides

43.  Go to work when a Shiv Sena bandh is on.

44.  Dial 100 for fun, Cops will put your entire family behind bars and use bars.

45.  Buy water & tea for Chai-Pani, Old Monk should work.

46.  Fall asleep on the Harbour Line, Thieves will strip you of everything.

47.  Eat Missal / Ussal Pav before going to work.

48.  Board a fast train in Dadar to go to Bandra. Opposite platforms and a very horrible crowd

49.  Go for midnight mass thinking you can patao chicks

50.  give money to bhikari (he is the same guy who is @siddhivinayak on Tuesday, @mahim church wed, @mahim dargah on Thursday, and @hajiali on Friday, @mount mary on Sunday)

51.  Go to an Orchestra Bar, its nothing but the local banjo party guys in better clothes

52.  Talk to a Gujju for more than 10 mins, he will start playing garba with you

53.  Go to Versova beach, its full of shit and methi plants

54.  Join any friendship club, its like inviting blackmailers.

55.  Go to Bhagwathi hospital in Borivali

56.  Pronounce Sandhurst correctly, Sandas Rd makes more sense.

57.  Ask where is the Chinch in Chinchpokli or Chincholi

58.  Trouble naughty couples in the A/c Buses

59.  Go for morning show in sidey theatre expecting sleazy action, you might encounter  khudkushi action around you.

60.  Travel from Andheri to Ghatkopar by Bus, the bus is full of pickpockets.

61.  Travel ticketless  on Friday, If you are caught Anadi court is a big torture.

62.  Wear a Red tie or red handkerchief and stand near Gateway or Radio Club, its a gigolo symbol

63.  Give 100 bucks to a conductor and expect him to give you change, he will sadistically torment you till the last stop.

64.  Buy cheap booze in Churchgate Subway and get caught by cops for not having permits

65.  Buy Crackers from Essabhai, Crawford Market and travel in train

66.  Go to National park with your GF/Wife and take the jungle route Robbers & Adivasis might loot you.

67.  Ask for free Chakna in bars, its history since Aug 2, 2008

68.  Go to Voodoo’s on Saturday, its the only Gay bar between Istanbul and Bangkok

69.  Go to Navy Nagar and think you can buy booze for cheap.

70.  Try to play all the instruments at Furtado’s in Dhobi Talao

71.  Stand close to the platform when the Rajdhani is passing, a sonic and nuclear blast of fart, shit and farsan will hit you.

72.  Ask for extra chutney and sambhar in Udupi hotels.

73.  Visit Ganga Jamuna in Tardeo thinking its a holy place.

74.  Assume that booksellers in Fountains are dumbo’s, they know their Pulitzers and Bookers more than us.

75.  Take the driving test, paying 300 bucks makes more sense.

76.  Do a court marriage in Bandra court.

77.  Count the numbers of floors of Oberoi towers just because Amitabh did.

78.  Bet against India in a game, Australia is the safest option.

79.  Get scared and not gamble in the McDowell Derby at Mahalaksmi Race Course.

80.  Note down prices or take Photos at Alfa in Irla

81.  Buy 100 bucks Windcheaters from Churchgate, they are all the ones recycled by the Bhandiwalis

82.  Search for Tigers in Borivali National Park, It’s the other way Tigers & Panthers will find you

83.  Search the roads & gutters of Chira Bazaar & Opera House hoping to find diamonds just because the newspapers claim so.

84.  All the things mentioned are NOT to be DONE in Bombay

Do feel free to add in your inputs/ ideas/views.

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